What If You Were Second Choice?

If you grew up as an Asian girl, your mom probably told you that it is better to marry a guy who loves you more than you love him.  The reason is not so much that we will be able to wrap our little pinkies around them, as it is to feel a sense of importance and love.  I also believe this will pave the way to a more stable, and happy marriage as guys are just naturally more forgiving than women when it comes to matters of the heart.  Women just tend to be pettier, and tend to overanalyze every single detail; all the women reading this knows this is true.

It is almost inevitable that anyone you date would have had past relationships.  The real reasons they broke up, we will never know, but you will know that they still care for their ex, and that they still harbor feelings for them.  So what do you do when you suspect you are second best to an ex?  One clarification needs to be made here: there are no specific reasons as to why you might be second best.  It has nothing to do with appearance or intelligence, but an unexplainable feeling or compatibility, so you should not fault yourself for not being “good” enough.

Should you turn someone down or end a relationship because of your suspicions or insecurities?  Or, should you carve your own space in the heart of your beloved? Everyone who has come into our lives serves a purpose, whether it’s to help carry us through difficult times or even to burn / hurt us, but whatever the reason, they always leave a lasting impression in our hearts.  If you can accept this, then you will understand that the ex is just a part of your boyfriend’s / girlfriend’s life, just like how you will leave your own mark, regardless of how the relationship ends or doesn’t end.

All this sounds nice, fluffy, and easy.  Life is not easy.  We might read the above, think we understand it, but then realize we never internalize it.  Some of us will spend a lot of time playing catch up, trying to trump the current first choice, and take their place.  But, this gets tiring, especially if you intend to do this for the rest of your life, and eventually you will realize that there is no way to replace the status of that person.   This leaves you feeling inadequate, less of yourself, and unwanted.  Worse yet, the fear of the ex coming back and stealing your love away will haunt you.

So, is there a real answer to this?  Of course not, otherwise, with such clear-cut solutions, the world would be a much better place.  It’s just something to ponder. Different things work for different people; the key is to be honest with yourself, and know what you can, and cannot deal with.

5 Responses to “What If You Were Second Choice?”
  1. Melody Waters says:

    This is your best post yet. Awesome job.

  2. mmbanana says:

    I adore the way you write and the post was much more well constructive and informative than my stream-of-consciousness ramblings. Thanks for the comment. 🙂

  3. I saw a few of my friends go through this and it’s not pretty… and I just wanted to add to your post that: it doesn’t necessarily have to be an ex.
    It can be an unusual devotion to family, certain people within the family who have a strange power over the partner and can convince them to break up with someone simply because they don’t like him/her.
    And you’re right it must be very tiring trying to keep up with the high expectations, or plain old stupid reasons people can come up with.

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