Semi-Forgiven, But Never Forgotten

Forgive and forget. Such a simple concept, yet so much easier said than done, especially in regards to relationships. I am not talking about forgiving someone for showing up late for a date or forgetting an anniversary; I am talking about things like infidelity and emotional traumas.

My friend had told me years ago that her boyfriend came home drunk one night, while she was sleeping. He collapsed into bed, started grabbing her love handle, and asked her: “were you always this fat?” and “were you like this when we first started dating?”  While he went into temporary alcoholic coma, she rolled over and cried herself to sleep.  That would qualify as emotional trauma in my book.

The dictionary definition of forgiveness is when one stops feeling anger or resentment for an offense, flaw or mistake.  For relationships, I believe that in order to fully achieve forgiveness, the offender must accept all fault, and must make up for their wrong-doing(s); this means doing whatever it takes to make the offended feel comfortable about the incident.  Often times, this is a heavy load for offender because it may be very difficult and requires a lot of time and patience to rectify the situation; the offender might just say “f-ck it, it’s not worth it,” but they don’t understand that the emotional load the offended is bearing is multiple times worse.  If both want to move on from that incident, then both will need to work at salvaging the relationship.

Forgetting, in my book, means that you will never bring up something that happened in the past in a future argument; we all know how unrealistic that is.  Guys are much better at this than girls; maybe it’s guys’ nature to always keep things inside, and deal with it themselves, while girls always want to “talk about it.”  Girls almost always harbor old scars as ammunition for future arguments.  It’s not because girls are vicious, but girls are naturally more sentimental, and arguments trigger the old emotions, and the pain resurfaces.  A way to clue in on if she really forgot is to observe her carefully.  If she feels awkward when someone accidentally reminds her of the incident, or she jokes about it, then chances are, she never forgot about it.

As for my friend, they are still together; she lost her love handle, and is more gorgeous than ever.  However, many years later, they are still not engaged.  Although many say it’s because he never proposed, those closer to the couple would argue that it’s her holding the engagement back.

As easy as the saying to “forgive and forget” is, it is actually really, really hard.  I believe that many times we semi-forgive (fully, if the offender is really diligent about making it up to the offended), but it is never ever forgotten.

2 Responses to “Semi-Forgiven, But Never Forgotten”
  1. Juslitome says:

    So true.

    This is why I find it so odd that women can accept men back into their good graces AFTER finding out their men have cheated on them. I mean, no matter what, once the guy did something like this behind your back, is he really worthy to be forgiven? What will make him not repeat?

    That’s the question I also have right now. The guy I’m interested in atm had cheated on women before (I know, warning signals already). What will ensure me that he won’t do it again? Once a cheater, always a cheater right?

    Anyways, should the woman already decide to let him back into her heart, then I think it’s best for both parties to drop the matter (yes, easier said than done) but it’s HER decision after all. She has the power to end something that’s just unforgivable. And she has the power to open up a topic of discussion to drop this issue, or resolve it at least. That’s why I always say, open communication is so helpful and so powerful.

    If she’s still so resentful, she has to discuss it with the guy. Communication is key.

    • pillowchats says:

      You know what I heard? That the cheaters who actually really regret cheating will end up being the best husbands. Sounds weird right?

      The reason is that they knew cheating was a mistake and it’s a one-time thing as opposed to actually developing feelings for someone else. They regret hurting the one they actually love, their gf, and end up being a better boyfriend/husband than a person who never cheated before.

      It’s kinda like the abused child. He can grow up to be an abusive parent himself, or he can grow up to make sure he isn’t an abusive parent.

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